if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
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Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.