lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
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“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.