said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
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this is what they would have looked like, though
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS