Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
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I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed