If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
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Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
“and how does that make you feel?”
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Omg 🤣
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.