Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
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Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
just pretend nothing happened
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
I love wikipedia
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”