detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
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I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”