We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
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If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order