Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
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[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
My boss called in sick of me
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
#Caturday
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast