No, YOUR illiterate.
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my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
When I snag the last meatball.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few