Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
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My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Mornin
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”