“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
You Might Also Like
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.