Monday?
No. Next question.
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My sex drive has a dui
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
[Texts to 14]
Hey
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.