[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
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[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀