Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
You Might Also Like
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything