anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
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DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
jesus, what did this guy do
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?