CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
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All. The. Damn. Time.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.