No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
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hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Wait for it
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Goat cheese is for herders.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.