One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
You Might Also Like
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]