*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
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Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*