How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
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A baby bear catches snowflakes.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
what
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.