apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
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*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.