My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
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You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Wednesday
I’m about to risk it all
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not