I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
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Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close