I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
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My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
This squirrel eats better than I do
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family