[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
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I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
How it started: How it’s going:
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry