Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
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Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father