Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
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If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.