Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
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was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you