The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
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*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
marvel comics have peaked
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.