*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
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if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.