They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
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Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
When you “pspspsp” too hard
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
LMAO
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch