im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
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11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
is nasa ok
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]