Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
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feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Love it! 👍😂
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.