me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
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When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel