There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
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Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?