the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
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Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Sign at work today
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.