before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.