When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
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I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”