Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
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I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property