Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
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Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity