You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
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If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps