I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
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“just sayin” who asked you though?
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
I remember when things only cost an arm.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
worst…sale…ever
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen