back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
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My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
just having fun
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
I’ve been drinking.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.