Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
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Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Namaste
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.