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I ate everything, including the H.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
I am, perchance
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Tremendous stuff
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
I’m not average. I’m mean.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying