I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
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*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.