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What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot