A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
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I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Incredible customer service.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
My five year plan is a meteorite
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while