Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
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Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes